Welcome back. So, I've blogged about PTSD and me, but not so much about the job. Police Officers and Firefighters are on the front lines everyday dealing with horrific things. We deal with acts of violence, suicides, domestic battery, child abuse, etc. Our job is not easy, and now since 9/11 we also are the first line of defense against homeland terrorism, as if our job wasn't hard enough. Col. Grossman said it well when he explained we are the sheepdogs protecting the sheep from the wolves.
Part of what makes our job so stressful is we don't deal with horrific calls everyday. We may go for awhile with relatively boring days dealing with alarms, neighbor complaints, and the like. Next thing you know you have your gun pointed at an offender ordering him to the ground, fighting with someone, you're in a high speed pursuit, or on rare occurences, you have to shoot someone. Then its back to paperwork. Then more paperwork. Then even more paperwork. We have to go from 0-60 in a split second. We try to go from 30-60 in a split second because 0 would be complacency, but we all find ourselves complacent at one point or another.
I found myself complacent on one particular occasion. It was a Saturday night on July 4th a few years ago. I was working midnight shift and we were at bare minimums. Normally, we are busy as hell on nights like that so we try to avoid self initiated activity that would cause us to be down for a long period of time on paperwork.
I was driving down the street when I observed a vehicle literally "curb to curb." This was not an exaggeration. He would bounce off one curb, then cross over and bounce off the other curb. If I didn't stop him, he was going to kill someone. Since we were already busy as hell and at minimums, I decided I would stop him and get him a ride rather than arrest him for DUI unless there were other factors in play. At least then he would be off the road. We already were going from fight to fight so I knew it was going to be a bad night. I light him up, but he doesn't stop right away. I was already complacent, I had already made up in my mind it was just another DUI and what my game plan was. There was no thought on what if's. I figured he wasn't stopping right away because he was just drunk. It wasn't really at the point of pursuit, either.
He finally stopped in a high crime apartment complex. As I'm exiting my squad, I see him start digging for something behind his driver's seat, not hiding something, but digging for something. That's when I went from 0-60. The hairs stood up on the back of my neck and I thought this was it, he's going to pull a gun. I draw my gun and immediately start giving commands to show me his hands. Backup was not coming soon enough. No compliance from the driver. I moved to a location where I could see the driver a little better and have a better shot if needed. What I saw was the driver had his shirt off and he was covered in blood from his head to his waist. What did I walk into? Still no compliance with my commands and I didn't want to transition to a less lethal with no backup in case he pulled up what he was digging for. Finally, he swings his arm around at me as if he had a gun in his hand. I moved my finger from the rail of my gun to the trigger, released the tension, and prepared for the worst. At the last second, he stopped and opened his hand...nothing. I yank him out of the car, put him to the ground, and cuff him. I waited for backup before doing anything else. I arrested him on multiple charges, but found nothing in the car. He was a gangbanger and I assume he normally carries a gun behind his seat, but it wasn't there that night. He was covered in blood because he was jumped by a rival gang in another town. Everything turned out ok...this time.
Being complacent could've cost me my life that day. It was a rude awakening. From then on I promised myself I would do anything possible to keep from being complacent again, almost to a fault. I'm still trying to find that happy medium.
I'm sure we all have a similar story. Complacency kills. There are always wolves out there that are not only trying to kill the sheep, but also the sheepdogs. Always have a plan, even when off duty.
Complacency can also affect civilians. How many times have you walked through a parking lot, talking on your cell phone or texting and have no idea what's going on around you? That's how people become victims. Don't be a victim. Just when you think it won't happen to you is when it happens. You don't have to be hyperalert or think the bad guy is around every corner, just pay attention. Notice what seems "off." Listen to your instincts, they will tell you when something is just not right.
And remember...
Above all else...SURVIVE
I have always hated that sheepdog / wolf analogy.
ReplyDeleteAs victim of a brutal rape where I was strangled nearly to death then resucitated by the rapist in order to drag me off and rape me, I was 'eaten alive.' Then I had to do about reassembling myself into a living human being again.
How many sheep do you imagine again don the sheep's clothing after something like that?
The 'sheepdogs' who were supposed to help me didn't. Instead, they made sure the evidence was washed down the drain that night. Less cost to the City of Los Angeles, maybe. I didn't know any better - I just complied. I was two weeks past my eighteenth birthday. I was in shock.
Back in those days it was easier for defense attorneys to use the system to break a rape victim down. The sheepdog who took over the case made me feel like the rapist would pay. He comforted me. He tried his best. By then it was too late. I fell apart anyway, so the case fell apart.
Back when I was killed in the street, rape counseling didn't exist. The sheepdogs might bring the wolf to justice, more often they could not. And even if they did capture the wolf, the lamb might be too beat down. This is what happened to me.
Despite all this, or maybe because of it, I am realistic.
I will never be a sheepdog. But because of the rape, and because of other things that created a PTSD perfect storm, I learned to think like a wolf thinks. I identify situations where predation may occur. I see potential wolf attacks. I've been helped to see, partly from life, partly from study, and partly from listening to retired cops.
That night still comes back like it was yesterday. If I see a movie or television scene of a rape I may immediately burst into uncontrollable tears. But always, always, now, if I hear a woman in danger, I move toward it. I do my best to intercede in some way that won't bring myself in harm's way.
I listen. I look. I assess what is going on. I may employ a warning tactic. I notify the authorities. There will be no Kitty Genovese in my vicinity as long as I am alive.
You have the means to carry out the first steps toward justice. Far more than I. In whatever capacity you are best suited. It all matters, Job&Me. Position yourself. For the sheep and for the ones like me.