Welcome back. It's been awhile since my last post. I went back to school to finish my degree and have been working so any free time has been spent doing homework or with family. Things are going well right now. I'm still going to therapy and haven't had any episodes from my PTSD. I'm feeling good. I'm at the hard part, though. Now is when I want to stop therapy and go off meds.
I am fighting with myself to make sure I stick with the plan. Now is the time when I have to choose between going backwards to where I was, or move forward and continue to heal. Too many times I have moved backwards. It's almost like trying to deal with an addiction. My addiction is trauma. It's too easy to stop everything. It's hardest when you're feeling well. It almost makes me uncomfortable because I'm not used to feeling this way.
If you're in the same position, you have to fight. I've seen so many people go off their meds because they feel good and think they're cured. It takes time to heal, time beyond the feeling good part. Some mental illnesses have to always be controlled with meds, but I refuse to allow PTSD to do that to me. Continue to fight, even when you feel good.
I don't always know what my post is going to be about when I start typing, not until the words start flowing. It's harder for me to blog when I'm feeling good so I'm going to end it here. I may not post everyday because I'm fighting for a better life, but I am always here. I'm surviving, and one day I'll be thriving.
And remember...
Above all else...SURVIVE.
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
Thursday, September 19, 2013
1000 Yard Stare
Welcome back. Its been awhile since my last post. I have been keeping myself very busy. I went back to college for my bachelor's degree. I'm taking Criminal Justice. I always tell people to take Business instead because you can probably do more with it, but work pays 100% reimbursement for work related degrees so can't pass that up.
Anyway, I submitted my paperwork to the state today to get my driver's license back after the seizure. I hope the state approves it soon so I can hit the street again. For the most part, things are going well in my life. I've only had a couple issues. My wife is a teacher and was talking about one of her students who had been repeatedly molested. I wouldn't call it a flashback, but I experienced more of a dissociation. I became numb and everything around me began melting away. My wife's voice seemed distant from me and I felt I was not in my body. I went back to that place when I was sexually abused and I could feel I had that "1000 yard stare." My wife realized something was wrong and brought me back to reality. I spoke with my therapist today about it. Only me, my abuser, my wife, and my therapist know what happened. Up until about 2 years ago only me and my abuser knew. Now you all know, but I'm anonymous so I guess not really.
I struggle horribly with what happened. I have been able to talk about all the other things that have happened eventually during therapy, but I still have a hard time with this. I still try to lock it up. I want it to be locked up inside still. I feel shame and vulnerability. I feel embarrassed and less of a man, less of a human being. Even though I was too young to do anything, I still feel at fault. I have always held resentment against my mom because many times she was in the other room talking with friends and had no idea. So close... It was an older friend and she thought we were just in the other room playing. Well, I guess she was half right.
My therapist told me today, "Don't think of yourself as a victim, think of yourself as a survivor. You survived and now you're working through it." She's right, its just hard to think of it that way. I agree with her, though. You are not a victim, you are a survivor.
And remember...
Above all else...SURVIVE
Anyway, I submitted my paperwork to the state today to get my driver's license back after the seizure. I hope the state approves it soon so I can hit the street again. For the most part, things are going well in my life. I've only had a couple issues. My wife is a teacher and was talking about one of her students who had been repeatedly molested. I wouldn't call it a flashback, but I experienced more of a dissociation. I became numb and everything around me began melting away. My wife's voice seemed distant from me and I felt I was not in my body. I went back to that place when I was sexually abused and I could feel I had that "1000 yard stare." My wife realized something was wrong and brought me back to reality. I spoke with my therapist today about it. Only me, my abuser, my wife, and my therapist know what happened. Up until about 2 years ago only me and my abuser knew. Now you all know, but I'm anonymous so I guess not really.
I struggle horribly with what happened. I have been able to talk about all the other things that have happened eventually during therapy, but I still have a hard time with this. I still try to lock it up. I want it to be locked up inside still. I feel shame and vulnerability. I feel embarrassed and less of a man, less of a human being. Even though I was too young to do anything, I still feel at fault. I have always held resentment against my mom because many times she was in the other room talking with friends and had no idea. So close... It was an older friend and she thought we were just in the other room playing. Well, I guess she was half right.
My therapist told me today, "Don't think of yourself as a victim, think of yourself as a survivor. You survived and now you're working through it." She's right, its just hard to think of it that way. I agree with her, though. You are not a victim, you are a survivor.
And remember...
Above all else...SURVIVE
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
September 11, 2001
Welcome back. I want to reflect back on one of the most tragic events in U.S. history. I remember where I was when it happened and I'm sure you do too. Many people both civilians and first responders lost their lives during the 9/11 attacks. Today is a day of remembrance. Today is a day you should hold your loved ones close. You never know what may happen when you walk out that door on any given day.
I do not live in New York, but I know first responders who responded to New York to help the NYPD and FDNY. Most of these people returned a changed person. The horrors they saw were unimaginable. As time goes on, many people forget and move on with their lives. They don't even think about 9/11 until it comes around again or they see some special on television. We must never forget. If we forget, we have become complacent, we have forgot the sacrifices made, we have forgotten the bravery shown that day.
We live in a new world. The U.S. is not the "safe" place it once was where nothing happens and is untouchable by terrorists. Most recently were the Boston Marathon bombings. Incidents like this will continue to happen. Police and Firefighters are our first line of defense here at home. The job is hard, dangerous, and thankless. Take time out, not only today, but everyday to thank a first responder when you see them.
I think today deserves a different sign out from my normal one.
NEVER FORGET THOSE WHO GAVE THE ULTIMATE SACRIFICE
I do not live in New York, but I know first responders who responded to New York to help the NYPD and FDNY. Most of these people returned a changed person. The horrors they saw were unimaginable. As time goes on, many people forget and move on with their lives. They don't even think about 9/11 until it comes around again or they see some special on television. We must never forget. If we forget, we have become complacent, we have forgot the sacrifices made, we have forgotten the bravery shown that day.
We live in a new world. The U.S. is not the "safe" place it once was where nothing happens and is untouchable by terrorists. Most recently were the Boston Marathon bombings. Incidents like this will continue to happen. Police and Firefighters are our first line of defense here at home. The job is hard, dangerous, and thankless. Take time out, not only today, but everyday to thank a first responder when you see them.
I think today deserves a different sign out from my normal one.
NEVER FORGET THOSE WHO GAVE THE ULTIMATE SACRIFICE
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
Time Out
Welcome back. I know its been a little while since my last post, but there's been a lot going on. Nothing special, just busy pushing a desk and chomping at the bit to hit the street again.
My wife and I went to a wedding this weekend and we spent some much deserved time together blowing off steam. It was good to have fun with friends and family. It was the first time I had actually had a good time and forgot all my problems in a long time. I was happy, drank a little too much, but I was happy. Not because the alcohol, but because I was having a good time with friends and spending time with my wife.
We always get caught up in the daily grind of life. Chores around the house, bills, work, driving kids to various activities, etc. Rarely do we take time out to enjoy life. I like going to weddings, not necessarily for the wedding itself and I hate dressing up, but more for the reception. Its something we feel almost required to go to; we can tell ourselves we have a wedding to go to and we don't plan anything else for that day. We don't feel bad about putting certain chores off one more day. You get to have a good time with friends and family, some whom you haven't seen in a very long time. And its a happy occasion so it kind of keeps you in a good mood.
We all need to find something that makes us happy. Something that blows off steam. Don't get me wrong, weddings are not a hobby of mine and I'm not a wedding crasher. All of my friends are married now and any weddings I go to are second marriages, but they're still fun. We need a break from dealing with the daily problems of life.
This past week, my wife (who is a first grade teacher) told me about one of her students who had been molested. We were talking about it and next thing you know, I zone out and I'm back to that place. My wife noticed the 1000 yard stare, got my attention again, and pulled me out of it. The wedding was a nice break, needless to say.
I think this whole incident and wedding, etc. kind of taught me a lesson. No matter what is going on in your life, make time for yourself and your family. When you start feeling insane (which may be often), do something to keep you sane. Even if it helps you forget for one night, it will give you a little refreshment. Now, I may have drank a little to much, but I remembered the whole night, didn't black out, puke, or make a fool of myself. Don't get me wrong, I'm not advocating that drinking is what made me have fun or help me forget. It wasn't that, I would've had fun without it, I just have a hard time with self control. The fun came from the friends. And don't worry, I wasn't driving.
And remember...
Above all else...SURVIVE
My wife and I went to a wedding this weekend and we spent some much deserved time together blowing off steam. It was good to have fun with friends and family. It was the first time I had actually had a good time and forgot all my problems in a long time. I was happy, drank a little too much, but I was happy. Not because the alcohol, but because I was having a good time with friends and spending time with my wife.
We always get caught up in the daily grind of life. Chores around the house, bills, work, driving kids to various activities, etc. Rarely do we take time out to enjoy life. I like going to weddings, not necessarily for the wedding itself and I hate dressing up, but more for the reception. Its something we feel almost required to go to; we can tell ourselves we have a wedding to go to and we don't plan anything else for that day. We don't feel bad about putting certain chores off one more day. You get to have a good time with friends and family, some whom you haven't seen in a very long time. And its a happy occasion so it kind of keeps you in a good mood.
We all need to find something that makes us happy. Something that blows off steam. Don't get me wrong, weddings are not a hobby of mine and I'm not a wedding crasher. All of my friends are married now and any weddings I go to are second marriages, but they're still fun. We need a break from dealing with the daily problems of life.
This past week, my wife (who is a first grade teacher) told me about one of her students who had been molested. We were talking about it and next thing you know, I zone out and I'm back to that place. My wife noticed the 1000 yard stare, got my attention again, and pulled me out of it. The wedding was a nice break, needless to say.
I think this whole incident and wedding, etc. kind of taught me a lesson. No matter what is going on in your life, make time for yourself and your family. When you start feeling insane (which may be often), do something to keep you sane. Even if it helps you forget for one night, it will give you a little refreshment. Now, I may have drank a little to much, but I remembered the whole night, didn't black out, puke, or make a fool of myself. Don't get me wrong, I'm not advocating that drinking is what made me have fun or help me forget. It wasn't that, I would've had fun without it, I just have a hard time with self control. The fun came from the friends. And don't worry, I wasn't driving.
And remember...
Above all else...SURVIVE
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
PTSD and Addiction
Welcome back. Hope everyone had a good Labor Day weekend. It was nice to spend the time with my family. I know its been a few days since my last post, but if I posted everyday I might go nuts myself trying to keep up. My life isn't that exciting.
I read an article last night in Police Magazine about police officers and addiction (if you have the subscription you know its not the most recent, so yes, I'm a little behind). The author wrote about officers self medicating with alcohol and now painkillers to ease emotional pain, a lot of times from PTSD. It seems lately everywhere you turn you hear that term, PTSD. Most think of soldiers when they think of that term, but aren't we warriors also? Do we not see horror and tragedy and constant reminders of our own mortality?
Its easy to slip into the addiction cycle, especially when you have PTSD and you buy in to the stigma that you're a weaker person for seeking help. I think legacy cops are the worst at it, great grandpa handled it, grandpa handled it, dad handled it, and now what's wrong with me. Most likely, they kept it to themselves and became a ticking timebomb. No one knew what PTSD was. It took on many forms: combat stress, shellshock, etc., but it was always tied to soldiers.
Imagine this, you're out with friends for a drink or two after work before heading home. One drink turns into two, two to three, and before you know it, you've had more than planned. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with it, its ok to blow off steam and tie one on. Most of us have done it more times than once, especially after a bad call. It can build comraderie. Its when it becomes a regular occurrence that we have problems. Apparently, the big thing now is painkillers. Most getting addicted after an injury. Its easy and quick to take and no smell on your breath. Officer's lives and careers are wrecked because of addictions. More and more departments are realizing this. My department, like many others, have an Employee Assistance Program (EAP). It offers confidential help for free and your department never knows. If you ask for help, your department has to give it to you.
During the article, it mentioned SafeCallNow.org. Apparently, its an organization that is dedicated to helping first responders in these types of situations. And the kicker is they are all cops volunteering their time, most have dealt with addiction. Its ok to ask for help. If it wasn't for my wife giving me an ultimatum and my love for her, I would've been down the same path. I still have to work to keep off that path.
PTSD has come a long way, from being officially recognized in the DSM as a diagnosis to now having its own category with experts realizing its difference from other anxiety disorders.
Just because you have an addiction, your career isn't over if the department finds out. I know a few officers who come to work with alcohol on their breath (most are retired or retiring now). In my short 7 years on the job, I've seen two officers get DUI's off duty because they also crashed. They got help, took their lumps, and are now back on the job. You are not the only one with PTSD or an addiction. You're not alone. Why do you think Homicide Detectives generally drink like fish? In my department, alcohol is usually the core of blowing off steam. Even our softball team has gone by the wayside. On midnights, many times we went to the bar at 7am when we got off work. On afternoons, we on occasion have some beers on the top level of the parking garage. It can be an emotionally healthy form of therapy, if done correctly, but remember, "all things in moderation." It shouldn't be about getting drunk, it should be about being with friends, talking, having some laughs, and maybe a couple beers.
I guess the point of all this is PTSD doesn't necessarily have as much of a stigma attatched anymore. When people find out about me, some give me looks as if I'm broken somehow, others understand and offer help. Everyone's view is changing little by little (mostly because we've been at war for over 10 yrs). Also, if you need help, get it. There are many options available now. I see a psychiatrist and psychologist, I have a good family support system, and actually, this blog is helping. It allows me to get thoughts out and maybe help someone in the process. If you like my blog, refer it. If you know someone who might benefit from it, refer it. Share things, not everyone knows what's out there. Its all about knowledge and understanding. That's how we break barriers and stigmas. I heard a lot of nasty remarks after my mom's suicide, but you don't understand unless in that situation. I still hear nasty remarks about suicide, but I always speak up. That's what we need to do to do our part.
I've taken up enough of your time. But things are starting to get better with me. I'm going back to school, I'll be back on the street soon, and therapy is helping.
And remember...
Above all else...SURVIVE
I read an article last night in Police Magazine about police officers and addiction (if you have the subscription you know its not the most recent, so yes, I'm a little behind). The author wrote about officers self medicating with alcohol and now painkillers to ease emotional pain, a lot of times from PTSD. It seems lately everywhere you turn you hear that term, PTSD. Most think of soldiers when they think of that term, but aren't we warriors also? Do we not see horror and tragedy and constant reminders of our own mortality?
Its easy to slip into the addiction cycle, especially when you have PTSD and you buy in to the stigma that you're a weaker person for seeking help. I think legacy cops are the worst at it, great grandpa handled it, grandpa handled it, dad handled it, and now what's wrong with me. Most likely, they kept it to themselves and became a ticking timebomb. No one knew what PTSD was. It took on many forms: combat stress, shellshock, etc., but it was always tied to soldiers.
Imagine this, you're out with friends for a drink or two after work before heading home. One drink turns into two, two to three, and before you know it, you've had more than planned. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with it, its ok to blow off steam and tie one on. Most of us have done it more times than once, especially after a bad call. It can build comraderie. Its when it becomes a regular occurrence that we have problems. Apparently, the big thing now is painkillers. Most getting addicted after an injury. Its easy and quick to take and no smell on your breath. Officer's lives and careers are wrecked because of addictions. More and more departments are realizing this. My department, like many others, have an Employee Assistance Program (EAP). It offers confidential help for free and your department never knows. If you ask for help, your department has to give it to you.
During the article, it mentioned SafeCallNow.org. Apparently, its an organization that is dedicated to helping first responders in these types of situations. And the kicker is they are all cops volunteering their time, most have dealt with addiction. Its ok to ask for help. If it wasn't for my wife giving me an ultimatum and my love for her, I would've been down the same path. I still have to work to keep off that path.
PTSD has come a long way, from being officially recognized in the DSM as a diagnosis to now having its own category with experts realizing its difference from other anxiety disorders.
Just because you have an addiction, your career isn't over if the department finds out. I know a few officers who come to work with alcohol on their breath (most are retired or retiring now). In my short 7 years on the job, I've seen two officers get DUI's off duty because they also crashed. They got help, took their lumps, and are now back on the job. You are not the only one with PTSD or an addiction. You're not alone. Why do you think Homicide Detectives generally drink like fish? In my department, alcohol is usually the core of blowing off steam. Even our softball team has gone by the wayside. On midnights, many times we went to the bar at 7am when we got off work. On afternoons, we on occasion have some beers on the top level of the parking garage. It can be an emotionally healthy form of therapy, if done correctly, but remember, "all things in moderation." It shouldn't be about getting drunk, it should be about being with friends, talking, having some laughs, and maybe a couple beers.
I guess the point of all this is PTSD doesn't necessarily have as much of a stigma attatched anymore. When people find out about me, some give me looks as if I'm broken somehow, others understand and offer help. Everyone's view is changing little by little (mostly because we've been at war for over 10 yrs). Also, if you need help, get it. There are many options available now. I see a psychiatrist and psychologist, I have a good family support system, and actually, this blog is helping. It allows me to get thoughts out and maybe help someone in the process. If you like my blog, refer it. If you know someone who might benefit from it, refer it. Share things, not everyone knows what's out there. Its all about knowledge and understanding. That's how we break barriers and stigmas. I heard a lot of nasty remarks after my mom's suicide, but you don't understand unless in that situation. I still hear nasty remarks about suicide, but I always speak up. That's what we need to do to do our part.
I've taken up enough of your time. But things are starting to get better with me. I'm going back to school, I'll be back on the street soon, and therapy is helping.
And remember...
Above all else...SURVIVE
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