Little More Exhaustion

  The last two weeks have been a little rough.  A lot of overtime which will help come payday, but my mind is mush.

  Everything started out by fighting a 15 year old on PCP.  If anyone doesn't know what that's like then let me tell you.  I was first on scene and the kid was naked.  I fought by myself until backup got there and by the end, 6 grown men had a hard time holding a 135 lb kid down until paramedics could medically sedate him...

  The rest of the week just went downhill.  I think I actually lost a couple days in there somewhere.  Now it ends with a guy strangling his girlfriend, although she survived, and tying his small children in his apartment.  The monsters aren't under your bed or in your closet, they're out there walking among us.

  Anyway, all that along with the usual nightmares takes its toll.  I guess I shouldn't complain, there's always someone out there that has it worse.

  I think part of my problem is I stopped going to therapy...oops.  I canceled a couple appointments then got lazy I guess.  Just taking the pills and lying to my psychiatrist about going to therapy.  I guess I should just get off my ass and change that.  I need help and now I'm just being stupid.

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Little Bit Exhausted

  What a week!  The week of July 4th is always our busiest.  The Police Chief bans all days off for the week.  We have our annual festival that's a week long, 5K runs, fireworks that draw hundreds of thousands of people from all over, and of course the largest, or one of the largest, 4th of July parades in the state.  I stood out in the sun and 95 degree heat with a vest for three hours, guess I shouldn't bitch, it was time and a half overtime.  Governor details among other stuff.  Between working all that overtime and still having to work my normal shift it's sleep (a little), work, eat if possible, repeat.  I don't even know why I'm blogging right now other than I have a little time before work and just kind of feel like it.

  Ever since my dad committed suicide on July 1st, 2014 with his birthday being July 2nd, that always becomes a nice start to the week also... At least the week keeps me busy enough not to think about it.  It's also nice to see there's still people that support the Police.  A lot of handshaking and thank you's.  At one point, I was saluting an honor guard for some American Revolution group and while I was saluting, they halted, performed a left face to face me, the presented the flag, which for all of you who don't know is a salute with the flag.  In this world of hatred towards the Police, it's just nice to see that stuff.  It kind of makes me feel a little better after starting the week in sadness.  Anyway, that was a bit of rambling.  If anyone has read my posts, I tend to get distracted and ramble a bit.  I think it's part ADHD and part getting something off my chest before I forget.

Anyway, I have plenty to do before I go back to work in a couple hours.  Hope everyone had a good 4th of July, if not then I'm so sorry for you.

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PTSD Awareness Day

  Today is PTSD Awareness Day with it being within the month of June, PTSD Awareness Month.  I don't have a lot going on except to spread the word today for awareness.  I already posted on Twitter and Instagram.  Hopefully you will do the same and use #PTSD, #PTSDAwareness, and many other hash tags using similar wordings.  You don't have to be a veteran to have PTSD, many things can cause it.  Sometimes it's short term and sometimes it's long term, but it's important to get help.  Pay attention to possible signs from family and friends.  You can get more information from va.gov.

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Alternative Depression Treatment/Peer Support Group

  I saw my psychiatrist the other day and he's at a loss with my treatment.  Three things that are normally part of PTSD treatment are antidepressants, anti-anxiety meds, and therapy.  I can only use anti-anxiety meds and therapy because I have epilepsy (and yes, you can have epilepsy and still be a Police Officer or Firefighter as long as it's under control).  I have found that I'm in that one percent that experiences the wonderful side effect of seizures, yay me!  For me, the risks outweigh the benefits.  If I take antidepressants then maybe I'll feel better, but I may also have another seizure causing me to lose my driver's license for 6 months.  I'm on Depakote for seizures, but off label it also helps with mood and depression.  Well, either it's not working as a mood stabilizer for me or I would be really messed up without it.  It is working for seizures though.

  Anyway, my psychiatrist wanted me to look into something called Trans Cranial Magnetic Stimulation or TMS.  Apparently, they focus on a specific part of the brain that affects mood and use magnets similar to an MRI for several weeks 5 days a week.  Sounds like someone selling snake oil, but apparently it's some kind of legit thing.  I'm kind of willing to try anything at this point because I'm already taking 25 mg of Valium a day and doing therapy.  That much Valium barely keeps me even and I still have a lot of break through panic attacks.  My psychiatrist said if I could take antidepressants then it would help with the anxiety.  My epileptologist (neurologist that specializes in epilepsy) gave some recommendations on antidepressants I could take, but I still refuse out of fear.  If anyone even reads this blog, which I doubt anyone really does or does regularly, and has experience with TMS, please provide input.

  My Police Department started a Peer Support Group which gives Officers a way to kind of blow off steam in private without having to go to a therapist.  My therapist wanted to have me do some in-patient time, but that's a big no because in my state any in-patient therapy causes you to not be able to carry a gun for 5 years, way to give incentive for cops to get needed treatment (insert sarcasm here).  Don't worry, I'm stable enough to do the job, he just thought I would benefit from some time away to get some intense treatment.  Anyway, a little rambling.  The new Peer Support Group is developing ways to get us in-patient treatment should we need it, without losing our guns so we can still work.  Plus they are now able to get us the time off work no questions asked if need be.  Good program to have if any are looking to start one.  Please post a comment if you want some information and I'll try to get back to you quickly, or at least within a week, depending on when I check this.

  Sorry about kind of two different subjects, but I knew if I didn't include this now then I would forget later.

I'm going to end my posts with a different sign off from now on.  It's from www.projectsemicolon.com.  This movement is for mainly suicide awareness, but also really includes all mental illness.  Suicide awareness is very near and dear to me since both of my parents committed suicide.  It's just a simple semicolon.  Authors use a semicolon when they don't necessarily want to end a sentence, but they could be split into two.  The semicolon symbol for this movement is telling you your story isn't over yet.

So, here it is.

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Two Rough Ones (Warning, could trigger something)

  Wow!  It's been a long time since I've posted.  I kind of forgot about all this and really haven't had time.  Well, it's been wild in the years since I last wrote.  I started having seizures after being prescribed antidepressants.  The doctors believe I always had the possibility of seizures, but the antidepressants lowered my threshold.  I've been on them before, but I think my body changed just enough that it ended horribly.  Not being able to take them makes my PTSD treatment quite a bit more difficult.  Only therapy and Valium for my anxiety so I find myself depressed quite a bit.

Since I last posted so much has happened.  If you remember, or go back to previous posts, my mom had committed suicide.  Well now 10 years later my dad has done the same.  Both parents died by suicide.  When people find out they always kind of give me a weird stare.  Whatever, I guess that is something I have to learn to deal with.

Things are getting worse with flashbacks and nightmares, though.  It's also caused a lot of suicidal thoughts.  I could never leave my family the same way my parents left me, but the thoughts are still there.  Not only am I a Police Officer, but I'm in the Forensics Unit.  Basically, a regular beat cop steps in, says, "yep, he's dead," and walks out.  I'm also a beat cop, but work the unit when something happens so I don't get to do that.  I walk in and say, "dammit, he's dead."  I've seen so much I'm just done.  I've tried to leave the unit, but Chief all the way down refuses to allow it.  Problem is I'm that black cloud that death follows.  I handle probably 3 times more deaths than the rest of the unit.  I see stuff now almost right in front of me.  My son was playing and laid back.  When he laid back, he kind of contorted his face in a way that I've seen on so many dead bodies.  Hit me like a ton of bricks and I nearly fell back.  You can never truly leave work at work.

Since I last posted, probably the two deaths that affected me the most were one was when I got a call for a remote panic alarm.  Both me and another Officer were right around the corner.  We pulled up and went to the door.  We found the door slightly ajar so we drew our guns and made entry.  We both heard groaning coming from upstairs.  When we went to the upstairs bedroom to check, we opened the door and there was a haze of gun smoke and you could still smell the freshly fired gun.  I saw her laying on the bed with a hole in her head, blood and brain matter all around.  I could not find the gun.  I checked her pulse and she still had a strong and steady pulse and was still breathing.  We had walked in right after she was shot.  I yelled at the other Officer to clear the rest of the house while I stayed with her.  The house was clear.  I knew because of my medical training and experience from when I was a Paramedic that she wouldn't even make it to the hospital alive.  I knew the Fire Department would "load and go" which would destroy my scene if it was a homicide.  I then saw the gun.  It was sunk in blood and under her hand.  Her hand was twitching right near the trigger and it was a revolver, it's not going to jam.  The barrel was facing the door.  I put the gun on the floor and ran to get my camera to preserve the scene.  She was still alive when I got back, again, beyond saving.  I began taking photos.  I can look at the photos and point out the order of alive...alive...dying...dying...dead.  She actually reminded me of my mom.

The second was that I got a call that the Fire Department was requested Police assistance on a call for vaginal bleeding.  Of course something sounded a little off.  I was first on scene.  I saw a scalded body on the bed, probably about 90%.  Blood and skin all over the apartment from coming off while she was running around.  Instantly homicide ran through my head.  I yelled at the paramedics to leave and grabbed the husband and pulled him out.  I couldn't believe how much blood and skin there was.  Turns out according to the autopsy it was suicide.  She filled the tub with scalding water and jumped in.  The water when we tested it was so hot from the tap that it would cause 3rd degree burns within seconds.  Horrible death.

I have sensitive skin on my neck so I have to use really hot water when I shave.  Every time I shave I think of that scene and of her body.  Because of that, I try to shave as little as possible.  Problem is, I have to be clean shaven for work...

Well, this is probably quite depressing for you as it was and still is for me.  I'm sorry if it triggers anything, but my therapist said it would be good for me to write.  I should probably do that, but maybe my story will help others.