Wow! It's been a long time since I've posted. I kind of forgot about all this and really haven't had time. Well, it's been wild in the years since I last wrote. I started having seizures after being prescribed antidepressants. The doctors believe I always had the possibility of seizures, but the antidepressants lowered my threshold. I've been on them before, but I think my body changed just enough that it ended horribly. Not being able to take them makes my PTSD treatment quite a bit more difficult. Only therapy and Valium for my anxiety so I find myself depressed quite a bit.
Since I last posted so much has happened. If you remember, or go back to previous posts, my mom had committed suicide. Well now 10 years later my dad has done the same. Both parents died by suicide. When people find out they always kind of give me a weird stare. Whatever, I guess that is something I have to learn to deal with.
Things are getting worse with flashbacks and nightmares, though. It's also caused a lot of suicidal thoughts. I could never leave my family the same way my parents left me, but the thoughts are still there. Not only am I a Police Officer, but I'm in the Forensics Unit. Basically, a regular beat cop steps in, says, "yep, he's dead," and walks out. I'm also a beat cop, but work the unit when something happens so I don't get to do that. I walk in and say, "dammit, he's dead." I've seen so much I'm just done. I've tried to leave the unit, but Chief all the way down refuses to allow it. Problem is I'm that black cloud that death follows. I handle probably 3 times more deaths than the rest of the unit. I see stuff now almost right in front of me. My son was playing and laid back. When he laid back, he kind of contorted his face in a way that I've seen on so many dead bodies. Hit me like a ton of bricks and I nearly fell back. You can never truly leave work at work.
Since I last posted, probably the two deaths that affected me the most were one was when I got a call for a remote panic alarm. Both me and another Officer were right around the corner. We pulled up and went to the door. We found the door slightly ajar so we drew our guns and made entry. We both heard groaning coming from upstairs. When we went to the upstairs bedroom to check, we opened the door and there was a haze of gun smoke and you could still smell the freshly fired gun. I saw her laying on the bed with a hole in her head, blood and brain matter all around. I could not find the gun. I checked her pulse and she still had a strong and steady pulse and was still breathing. We had walked in right after she was shot. I yelled at the other Officer to clear the rest of the house while I stayed with her. The house was clear. I knew because of my medical training and experience from when I was a Paramedic that she wouldn't even make it to the hospital alive. I knew the Fire Department would "load and go" which would destroy my scene if it was a homicide. I then saw the gun. It was sunk in blood and under her hand. Her hand was twitching right near the trigger and it was a revolver, it's not going to jam. The barrel was facing the door. I put the gun on the floor and ran to get my camera to preserve the scene. She was still alive when I got back, again, beyond saving. I began taking photos. I can look at the photos and point out the order of alive...alive...dying...dying...dead. She actually reminded me of my mom.
The second was that I got a call that the Fire Department was requested Police assistance on a call for vaginal bleeding. Of course something sounded a little off. I was first on scene. I saw a scalded body on the bed, probably about 90%. Blood and skin all over the apartment from coming off while she was running around. Instantly homicide ran through my head. I yelled at the paramedics to leave and grabbed the husband and pulled him out. I couldn't believe how much blood and skin there was. Turns out according to the autopsy it was suicide. She filled the tub with scalding water and jumped in. The water when we tested it was so hot from the tap that it would cause 3rd degree burns within seconds. Horrible death.
I have sensitive skin on my neck so I have to use really hot water when I shave. Every time I shave I think of that scene and of her body. Because of that, I try to shave as little as possible. Problem is, I have to be clean shaven for work...
Well, this is probably quite depressing for you as it was and still is for me. I'm sorry if it triggers anything, but my therapist said it would be good for me to write. I should probably do that, but maybe my story will help others.
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