1000 Yard Stare

Welcome back.  Its been awhile since my last post.  I have been keeping myself very busy.  I went back to college for my bachelor's degree.  I'm taking Criminal Justice.  I always tell people to take Business instead because you can probably do more with it, but work pays 100% reimbursement for work related degrees so can't pass that up.

Anyway, I submitted my paperwork to the state today to get my driver's license back after the seizure.  I hope the state approves it soon so I can hit the street again.  For the most part, things are going well in my life.  I've only had a couple issues.  My wife is a teacher and was talking about one of her students who had been repeatedly molested.  I wouldn't call it a flashback, but I experienced more of a dissociation.  I became numb and everything around me began melting away.  My wife's voice seemed distant from me and I felt I was not in my body.  I went back to that place when I was sexually abused and I could feel I had that "1000 yard stare."  My wife realized something was wrong and brought me back to reality.  I spoke with my therapist today about it.  Only me, my abuser, my wife, and my therapist know what happened.  Up until about 2 years ago only me and my abuser knew.  Now you all know, but I'm anonymous so I guess not really.

I struggle horribly with what happened.  I have been able to talk about all the other things that have happened eventually during therapy, but I still have a hard time with this.  I still try to lock it up.  I want it to be locked up inside still.  I feel shame and vulnerability.  I feel embarrassed and less of a man, less of a human being.  Even though I was too young to do anything, I still feel at fault.  I have always held resentment against my mom because many times she was in the other room talking with friends and had no idea.  So close...  It was an older friend and she thought we were just in the other room playing.  Well, I guess she was half right.

My therapist told me today, "Don't think of yourself as a victim, think of yourself as a survivor.  You survived and now you're working through it."  She's right, its just hard to think of it that way.  I agree with her, though.  You are not a victim, you are a survivor.

And remember...

Above all else...SURVIVE