Welcome back. This weekend was a good weekend with the family, but I had a family function to attend on Sunday for my nephew's christening. A large portion of my brother-in-law's family was there that I didn't know. I always get anxiety around large crowds like that and usually find somewhere by myself to cool down. This time I was unable to find a space so I had to deal with it. I'm sure many of you can relate. I always find myself checking my watch every few minutes to see if its time to go. It drive's my wife nuts. I have found that whenever possible, if I can escape by myself it does help.
Last night though, I found it next to impossible to sleep. I woke up several times and finally stayed up when I woke up again at 5am when my alarm was set for 6am. Weird dreams. The only thing I really remember is I was at a call with a fellow officer for a soldier in full dress uniform and he was very emotionally disturbed. He pulled out a knife and wouldn't drop it. When he made a move towards us, I shot aiming for center mass, but the bullet struck him in his leg. Next thing I remember is the news showing me shooting a soldier standing there waving to people. The news didn't show him with the knife and only showed the part where I shot him, seemingly unarmed and unprovoked. Obviously, I was distraught in the dream even though I knew I was justified. Weird thing is I served in the Army myself. Oh well, some dreams you just don't understand. I'm classifying it with the normal cop dreams of your weapon jamming or the offender not going down even though you shot him several times, the rounds seemingly not affecting him at all.
If this post seems a bit like I'm rambling, its because I'm tired and filling up on coffee. I haven't had any bad nightmares lately, though. Maybe therapy is starting to work. Its been nice lately with no nightmares or flashbacks. Not many intrusive thoughts. I'm on my fourth therapist. Sometimes it takes awhile to find one that's right for you. If you are in therapy or just starting and feel like its not working, give it time. You may have to switch therapists or give it more time. Don't feel like you have to stick with who you started with. And for any cops who are reading, you'll understand this analogy. Finding a therapist is like picking a duty weapon. Just because you have one in your mind that you really want to use, it doesn't mean its the right fit. you have to find one that fits your hand and feels good shooting. What I'm getting at is you have to check out different therapists sometimes to find the right fit.
I'll stop my rambling for now. Maybe my next post will be a little better. Hopefully I'll have more sleep.
And remember...
Above all else...SURVIVE
You are a creative guy. Just look at your nightmares! They are so linear. In other words...have a beginning, a middle and an end. PTSD dreams I have had seem to work that way more than other dreams. Some day scientists will know something about why PTSD dreams are structured a little differently.
ReplyDeleteVivid. Yeah. Like all the senses are going at once.
When I have had PTSD dreams, I try to take them as messages. I think there are some missing pieces to the puzzle in there. I know it sounds crazy, but try to recall as best you can. Maybe a PTSD dream isn't just a venting off.
Maybe it's returning to the scene of a crime?
When so many depend on our performance, and when so much rides on our ability to perform well under pressure, if we stumble around impotent with fear, and sort of tear the scene down, that must be like committing the worst crime of all. Like...instead of fixing things, you just throw a match on it. WHOOSH!!!
Whoops! Now WHO got that idea??!! (Cue up Talking Heads "Burning Down the House").
One of the BEST things about creativity is the fact that, if your work displeases you, you can destroy it with gusto. Artists do this all the time. It often makes us laugh.
I'm not suggesting you're stifling an epic opera waiting to spring out of you like a mad dog...or...maybe I am.
There's nothing wrong with starting with a kazoo.