Welcome back. I know the last couple posts were a bit much, but I had to give a little history into how I got to this point. Remember, it's a summary, not everything is included, nor do you want to read everything that would've been included. There have been many good times in my life also. I have a good support system, a wonderful wife, and three wonderful children.
As a police officer, I am naturally skeptical, so some of you may think I'm not a real police officer because who would hire me with my history? Well, I kind of got lucky. I'm not your typical person that comes from that environment. My drug use consisted of marijuana and trying ecstacy a couple times. And that was pretty much all through high school. After that, I got my life together. In Basic Training the Drill Sergeants called it "intestinal fortitude."
I had plenty of people to vouch for me at the fire department, which was only Paid On Call at the time. It later went to a combination department consisting of POC and full time, which I then tested and got hired full time. When I got hired at the police department, I had military experience, a successful and distinguished career as a firefighter/paramedic, and I was 26 years old, far removed from my wild days. They didn't really ask much about alcohol use and because of "Jane," who was now my wife, along with therapy, I only drank socially. I drank a couple beers with friends once every couple months. So with a good Psychological test, honesty, good test scores, and a good interview, I got hired.
Its hard sometimes doing this job, but at 34 years old and despite everything, I still love it, and I couldn't imagine doing anything else. You can choose to believe me, or not, but its your choice to make. This blog is therapeutic for me. My therapist suggested I start writing. I figured instead of a journal, I would blog because maybe someone out there could relate and understand they are not alone. I haven't got into much yet about hopefully helping others with similar situations, but I'm just starting, and I'm new to this whole blog thing. If you're skeptical, just stick around for awhile and give it a shot.
I do not profess to have the worst life or upbringing in the whole world, there are many that have it much worse. We all have our problems we deal with individually. What seems to me like nothing, may just be the worst thing that's ever happened to that person and they struggle with it. There could also be people out there saying the same about me. Whenever I deal with a junkie or some other criminal who starts saying how he had such a bad life and I think I'm better than him, I always reply, "I'm no better and no worse, I just made different choices in life."
If you're dealing with PTSD or any other difficulty in your life, there is help out there. People do care. They may not always understand, but they do care. People don't realize that you can't just "snap out of it." Its different than regular depression and anxiety disorders, to the point where the DSM V (the primary source for diagnosing mental illnesses) has created a new category for PTSD and TBI.
I may be on a lot of meds, but I have shown improvement in therapy. My psychologist and psychiatrist believe I will not be on these meds forever, I just need them to assist with my therapy. I had a seizure while driving not to long ago. The doctors and neurologist believe it was a side effect of the anti-depressants and adjusted my medication, haven't had one since. Nonetheless, the state took my license for 6 months. I have been on light duty thanks to a very supportive department. I took medical leave from the fire department and the police department has squad cars pick me up and take me home everyday. I hopefully will be returning to the street in October. I'm sick of the desk, and for all you police officers out there, I've been working on CALEA proofs this whole time. I won't get into it for everyone else, but the cops know what I'm talking about. Either way, being off the street has been a blessing in disguise. It has given me 6 months of a normal life to focus on my well being.
I am glad I was given a chance. I may see a lot, but the key is a good support system. The therapist believes I would've been able to handle either my mom's suicide or the job separately, but when both were combined, it was just the right recipe for destruction. I'm torn between talking to my wife about things that happen and keeping it from her. I don't want to burden her with stuff that happens at work. I've found that as long as there are no included details, just a small overview, she is right there by my side for support. It's a good balance. If you can find a friend or family member like that, then you're on the right track.
PTSD is not something to be ashamed of, though its hard to think of it that way. As I sit here typing, I find it hard to take my own advice. Its easy to say sitting behind a computer, but real life is much more difficult. PTSD shows that you went through something horrible, but you survived. Continue to survive and heal the invisible wounds.
And remember...
Above all else...SURVIVE
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ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I will assume for purposes of discussion, that you are an LEO and firefighter - although it is asking a bit much for others to be convinced solely on your uncorroborated self-description.
ReplyDeleteAnd I would like clarification. Regarding your statements to follow below - I am quite confident a police department employs every means to screen out candidates who are alcoholics - for obvious reasons. So, your statement "they didn't ask much" doesn't jibe - unless they used other means.
You list past illegal activity as "far behind" you at the ripe old age of 26. Yet, police departments don't generally consider a seven year gap all that long ago. I know they do look at the totality of a candidate's record, and you had a lot of service. But you had more than a little tarnish on your personal lifestyle. A lot would have come out in the lie detector test, right?
So...please clarify.
As for the idea of creating a blog on PTSD as a sort of occupational hazard and your wish to de-mystify it and dispel stigma - I commend your effort. A noble effort. I hope you get good response!
"When I got hired at the police department, I had military experience, a successful and distinguished career as a firefighter/paramedic, and I was 26 years old, far removed from my wild days. They didn't really ask much about alcohol use and because of 'Jane, who was now my wife, along with therapy, I only drank socially."
"I was 26 years old, far removed from my wild days."
I expected a lot of skepticism since I figured at some point police officers would view this blog. You're right, 26 is not all that far removed which was a mistake on my part of saying that. They never asked the question about previous alcohol abuse, it was more along the lines of current alcohol abuse. They were looking for honesty in the polygraph. I was honest about the drug use, but as I said, it was nothing more than marijuana. They did question me about it, but when the detectives did my background and interviewed my neighbors, etc., they took in the totality of the circumstances. They checked my personnel record with the fire dept., they saw my service, and the fact that I was married with 2 children. They interviewed me and I think they must have believed I was a changed person. Honestly, I was fortunate they gave me a chance.
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