Stay the Course

Welcome back. Well, I slept a little better last night, meaning I only woke up twice. It didn't feel like a good sleep, though, because the dream I had was very stressful, strange, realistic, and vivid. I won't get into it today unless I have an overwhelming amount of people commenting that they want to know about it. It's just a lot to type and would take a whole post by itself, besides, I don't want to bore everyone with my crazy dreams every time I blog. I did have therapy yesterday as I said in my previous post. My therapist said she saw a noticeable difference in my mood (meaning better). My psychiatrist increased my Cymbalta which probably played a decent part in that. It comes and goes, though. I may go awhile feeling good with minimal intrusive thoughts, flashbacks, etc., but then it all comes back and sticks with me for awhile. Problems I've had in the past, which I'm sure many of you relate to, is once you start to feel good you think you don't need meds or therapy anymore. I learned the hard way that its just not the case. Anyone with PTSD or other mental illnesses needs to continue with the treatment plan until EVERYONE in your treatment plan comes to that decision. I believe now that's the only way we can truly heal. In my particular instance, I have trauma issues going all the way back into childhood, not just one event or issues just from being on the job (not to downplay anyone elses trauma, your trauma is just as bad). My plan is to stick with it even when I feel good so I can work out everything I need to work out. I think everyone's plan needs to include that. Don't quit just because you feel good for awhile, it will ALWAYS come back unless you follow through and see it to the end. We will always have the trauma, its a part of us, it makes us who we are, but it doesn't have to run our life. PTSD is an internal wound. Its not visible in a physical way, but it still needs to heal like any other wound. If your body is cut, it heals, but it leaves a scar. Whatever trauma you have been through will leave a scar, but eventually, with proper treatment, the wound will heal into that scar and you can move on with your life. No one would ever allow a cut to keep bleeding, eventually they would bleed out and die. Why would you allow an internal wound to continue bleeding? You wouldn't put a band-aid on a gunshot wound. You wouldn't partially treat a serious cut, stop the bleeding for a short time, then stop and let it start bleeding again. So why stop PTSD treatment before you're completely healed? What I'm saying is, stay the course no matter how good you feel until you're completely healed. For any of you who are on the job, how many times have we dealt with an emotionally disturbed person off their meds because they stopped taking them just because they felt better? As first responders we will always get bad calls. We can distance ourselves for the time being to do our job, but it all piles up. And of course there are always those calls that we can't shake. So whether you have been diagnosed with PTSD or not, make sure you have someone you can at least talk to in time of need. They may not be a therapist, but even close family or friends can help. I know its hard to talk to co-workers, because in our line of work its still seen as a weakness. Maybe you're lucky and you have someone on the job who you can talk to, but talk to someone, even if its just writing in a journal. PTSD is an occupational hazard for first responders and military, but anyone can experience it. When is the last time you saw someone off duty for a little while for mental health purposes and had full pay from the department because it was considered line of duty? I never have. Maybe one day... Anyway, I'm sure you're tired of listening to my rant for the day so that's all for now. And remember... Above all else...SURVIVE