A Little On Suicide

Welcome back.  This week has been pretty uneventful so I decided to talk a little about my past today.

March 24, 2004 was a day I will never forget.  I was 24 years old, was a full time firefighter/paramedic and had been dealing with my mother's severe depression.  We tried everything, but nothing seemed to help.  We even had an intervention to try to get her to take her meds, she refused to take them.  On that day, my crew and I were at a local elementary school doing a career day/fire safety presentation.  It had not started yet.  I received a phone call on my cell from my father, he was frantic.  I could barely understand him.  He just kept saying, "she's so cold, there's blood everywhere."  I had that sinking feeling that my mom had committed suicide.  I convinced him to hang up the phone and call 911.

He lived in a different town than where I worked.  A member of my crew drove me back to the station where I got my car and took off.  It seemed like I couldn't get there fast enough.  First, I got held up by a train, then I kept having to pull over as county sheriffs kept flying by me.  I was probably driving as fast as they were.  I had a million thoughts running through my head.

I finally arrived on scene and saw the ambulance had its lights turned off.  I knew she was dead as it would've been a load and go situation.  I talked to the paramedics on scene since I knew them.  I was still in uniform so I got a little special access probably.  I needed to see my mom.  The medics spoke to police on scene.  I could see her on one condition, the medic had to escort me and I could only stand at the top of the stairs.  I couldn't walk any closer.  I saw her lifeless, bloody body laying in bed.  I saw tons of dead bodies on the job, but nothing could've prepared me for this.  She shot herself in the chest with a sawed off shotgun.

I went back downstairs and went out to the welding shop.  My dad owned a welding shop on their property.  Family started arriving and we were all looking out the windows watching everything that was going on.  I felt like it was a call I was on.  Everyone was asking questions as to what was happening and why it was happening.

My dad was then taken away by police for questioning.  After they removed her body, we all had to go in a make statements.  Every single one of them talked about her depression.

While we were in the shop it started raining.  I heard what sounded like rain hitting the aluminum roof, but couldn't see any rain outside.  I knew what it was, but I had to ask.  Ever since, rain on an aluminum roof is a trigger.  It was the worst experience of my life.  Later that night, my brother and I cleaned up the mess and burned the mattress.  I was the only one in the family to experience both seeing her and cleanup.

Ironically, my mom was the one that caused all the problems in our family, but I found she was also the glue that held us together.  My family fell apart.  My dad stayed a horrible alcoholic, but also started smoking crack.

My wife and I were married in 2005.  Not only did my mom miss our wedding, but my dad also did because he was institutionalized.  This whole incident was a horrible situation, but I made through, I survived.  I may have my problems from it, but I survived.  You can survive too.  There is such a stigma associated with suicide that no one wants to talk about it.  There were so many whispers behind my back.  So many questions left unanswered.

Suicide is generally, not always, a planned event.  After reading my mom's journal, she had been planning this since December and it happened in March.  There were no "plea for help" attempts.  There was no talking about it.  I'm sure there were signs, but we were blind to them.  I maintained guilt for a long time, still do, because as a first responder, I've helped countless strangers, but couldn't save my mom.

What I'm getting at is no matter who you are, what you do for a living, how hard you try, if they are determined enough, they will find a way.  I actually had a call where all guns and even kitchen knives were removed from the home.  The guy used a circular saw.  If only that determination could be used to get help.

Know that its not your fault, don't feel guilt.  They most likely was well planned.  I know, "do as I say, not as I do," but I'm trying.  My advice is to learn the signs and if someone you know is depressed, pay close attention, it just may save their life.  I miss her very much...

And remember...

Above all else...SURVIVE