Silver Linings

Welcome back. Still crazy dreams, but I could create a whole blog just on that. Just couldn't sleep last night. Took a Lunesta and it took me two hours to fall asleep. I slept straight through once I did fall asleep, though. I kind of enjoyed my dream even though it was crazy and a little stressful, so not bad. Just needed that extra couple hours beforehand. I have six weeks left before my neurologist clears me to drive again, then I can finally hit the street and feel like the real police instead of a desk jockey. Not driving has been incredibly difficult, but its been a blessing in disguise. I could focus on therapy without interruption and normal hours have been great. I guess if we want to have a happy life, we have to look at the hidden blessings. I'm not trying to put a religious twist on anything, I'm not sure about my faith right now after so much. My wife sees it differently. She's very religious and believes this is God's plan. I'm torn. Believe what you need to believe in, its your choice, I'm not going to press my views on anyone. When I use the term "blessing," I use it as an easier term to type than "silver lining." So whatever you believe in or don't believe in, don't think I'm making any comments towards it. We do have to look at the hidden blessings, though. How many people have experienced a bad car accident, been shot, etc., just to find out they have a tumor that is treatable only because of their traumatic event. You may not hear these stories all the time, but you still hear them. Don't get me wrong, I'm a born pessimist. Its hard for me to look at the silver lining. It drives my wife crazy. I was always trained, "expect the worst and hope for the best." If you're a pessimist, the second part of that saying is the difficult one. You expect the worst and expect the worst. I think that's where I need to change my thinking. The world we live in is not sunshine and roses and the people who look at it that way are naive. As a cop, I regularly see the evil in the world. You become jaded and desensitized. You are off duty and constantly look at people's hands or what they're doing. My wife sees people sitting in a car in a parking lot staring at a store, I see people casing the place. We need a certain level of this to do the job, but it can get carried away. I think that adds to the PTSD. I'm still not going to stop carrying my gun off duty, but there can be a happy medium, I just have a hard time finding it. I kind of got away from my previous line of thinking, silver linings. In order to be happy, look for the little things. I feel better because I'm on a normal schedule and no bad calls to deal with so I can focus on therapy. I get every weekend off to spend with my family. That's probably the best part. I was put into a bad situation and I hate it, but there are also good things that came of it. Don't get me wrong, its hard for me to think this way. I think the only thing helping me to think this way is the fact that I'm blogging it hoping I'll help someone. My therapist wanted me to keep a journal, but I think this is better. I wouldn't be typing all this stuff about silver linings if I were just keeping a journal. I'm mentally trying to be positive, because, let's face it, do you really want to read a bunch of negative comments or do you want to read something that might actually help you, even a little? Either way, I don't think many people are reading my blog, if any. I've had descent page views and a couple comments, but that doesn't mean my posts are being read regularly. With that in mind, maybe I'm not helping anyone except myself (which is still okay with me). If people are reading, I'm still not sure they even believe I'm a cop, which makes them think I'm total bullshit and they stop reading. I know what I am and who I am. If one person reads this blog regularly and it helps them, then I've done what I set out to do. Besides, isn't it about time to bring PTSD to light? And remember... Above all else...SURVIVE