Nightmare

Welcome back. Well, I spoke too soon in my last post. Didn't sleep last night again. Took a Lunesta and still woke up all night. Nightmare all night, and when I say nightmare instead of nightmares it means everytime I woke up and fell back asleep, I fell into the exact same nightmare right where I left off. I hate it. This nightmare wasn't about previous things I've seen on or off the job. There was a killer running loose murdering a lot of people. Every time we caught him, he fought and it took 5 or 6 of us to bring him down and get him cuffed. He always managed to escape and kill more people. The last time he was escaping, I told my partner to shoot him because we knew by him escaping, more people would be murdered. For some reason, I didn't have my gun. My partner couldn't do it and he escaped again. I don't remember seeing him again, but in the dream I was freaking out afterwards. I was at my parents house as if it were my own, my wife and kids lived there with me and my parents didn't live there. I always freaked out thinking he was coming for me. That's all I can remember. My dreams are always very vivid so I always wake up thinking its real for the first couple minutes after waking up. We'll see what my psychologist thinks at my appointment today. Either way, I'm still exhausted. Anyway, I'm getting closer to getting my license back after the seizure. I'm so tired of riding a desk. I can't wait to hit the street again. I try to look at this as a blessing because I've been able to focus on therapy and healing without having more bad calls. Its hard to see the blessing, though, when its kept me from what I love. I guess sometimes you need a break, though. I was forced into the break. I don't like being forced into it. I would much rather have taken a vacation. I've found burnout makes the PTSD worse. I guess I should learn that every so often, I need to take a vacation, whether its just staying home with the family and getting some things done around the house or actually going on a vacation somewhere. I would prefer the latter, much more fun. I love my job at the fire department, too, but I'm considering leaving. I'm burning the candle at both ends and it would cut down on bad calls, helping me to heal quicker. I don't think PTSD will be a forever thing, at least I hope not. A lot of cops eat there gun after retirement when they have all the time in the world to just think. I don't want to be one of those guys. I remember my grandfather beginning to talk about his time fighting in World War II. He never talked about it until he became close to his time in this world. He died at 82. He kept everything bottled up for all those years, but that generation didn't believe in talking about it. As they got older, I think they finally wanted to make their peace. Things are changing for the better now. PTSD is becoming less of a stigma to talk about with all the returning vets. This generation is more apt to seek treatment. Let's not wait till we're in our 80's to reflect. We need to talk about it now so we can live a long, happy life. Its not a weakness, its a strength. Its a willingness to say, "this is what I've been through and I'm not going to accept being miserable." Suicide rates are much higher than the general public among first responders and military, along with divorce rates. That is not a coincidence. When my mom committed suicide, it destroyed my family even with all its problems. She wasn't willing to seek treatment. PTSD and mental illness is just like any other terminal illness, just of the mind, not the body. Depression can lead to physical ailments as well. And not seeking treatment can ultimately kill you, just normally by your own hand. Don't destroy your family, they don't deserve it. Well, I'm done with my daily rambling. I'll leave you to the rest of your day. I hope its a good one. Meanwhile, I'm going to fill up on coffee. And remember... Above all else...SURVIVE